Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
