Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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