i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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