i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
