so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
