70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
