Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize