my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
