So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
