Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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