I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
