Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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