tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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