He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize