Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
