i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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