a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
