He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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