Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
