clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
