The maid of honor just puked.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
