the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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