ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
