put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
