I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
