hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
