I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
