I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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