you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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