she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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