Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize