my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
