Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Randomize