and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
