yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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