Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
