watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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