she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize