I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
