I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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