I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
