I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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