i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
