Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
