it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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