This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
