What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
