hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
