I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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