he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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