you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
