the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
