it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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