I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
