i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
