Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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