Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
