Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
