Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
