you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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